Monday, September 9, 2013

No Officer! Really! I didn't...

Officer Dawson G. Wilkins
Code Name: Venus Flytrap
I'm not sure why I just assigned a code name to a police officer.
Last week while Jason was in Nicaragua, Dawson was home playing police. I nominated myself to be criminal because it's been a lifelong dream to be one. Some people can manage to pull that off as a career! Not me, I had my other sights set on Broadway. How did I fail so miserably twice? I guess I'm not too old to follow my dreams. Does anyone have a valuable item worth stealing? Message me.
As you can see, Dawson fully prepares for his roles. The first night he hadn't thought everything through, and Iron Man pajama's were sufficient as his uniform. But the next night he got serious. He donned a cap (that he unsuccessfully tried to tape a piece of paper with the words "police" written on it) and created a police badge that he safety pinned to his shirt. His one GOOD church shirt I might add. We didn't fight over that because one time when I was his age, I took a t-shirt and covered it with colored safety pins. I'm not sure why I did that. Probably for safety.
I was first informed that it would be a good idea to speed. So, I ran in rather small circles and figure 8's in the living room for about 2 minutes. I was then handed my first "ticit".
I was handed the pencil (which he did a great job of keeping tucked behind his ear, as you can see in the picture) and given a few minutes to fill it out and hand it back.
"Are you committed for this crime?"
I wasn't given many options about this. I couldn't even select the word no. So apparently I was committed in every way. I would stick by this crime like glue. No one could tear me apart from this crime.
Now, if he would have asked if I committed this crime. Well.. I would have thought about it and then finally admitted my wrong doing. But not before threatening to take it to court.
"Do you want to go to jail?"
Now. Our jail is conveniently located in our basement. I was informed that "my baby" could come along, if I was sent to jail so I thought "what the heck?, why not?" This was the best idea anyone's had since trying to keep Evan contained in a pack-n-play which hasn't worked. Check!
"Are you happy now?"
Well officer. ... If I don't check the box, will I have to pay a fine? Because if I have to pay a fine, I'll need to steal some diamonds or rob a bank (which I learned to do from the movie Oceans 11).
I went to jail and the officer fell asleep at the desk down there while filing paperwork so I was able to escape. I hid in the shower. Evan stood at the door to the bathroom knocking and gave away my location. He's so stinking bad at this game!
Time for my next series of misdemeanors:
*Editor's Note: Let it be on record that our police staff use only recycled paper for tickets. We are able to use the money we save to purchase toilet paper.
Dawson picked up a piece of paper from the living room floor. I'm going to guess it was a blank "ticit" that was dropped by someone code named "Venus Von Flytrap" but he was in charge, and I didn't even see him pick anything up from the floor.
"Excuse me m'am, did you GLITTER?!".
Confused, I looked at Dawson with a blank stare before admitting any wrongdoing. Where the heck is the glitter?! How is glittering a crime? I know of scrapbookers the world over who would be fuming about now.
"Dawson. What?"
"Mommy! I found this trash! You glittered!" Here's your ticket!"
I carefully read said ticket.
Ohhhhhh. Litter.
I gathered quickly that he was wimping out on the time it takes to assign guilt on the writing part of ticket giving. I was assigned glitter clean up in the basement. Basically I walked in circles around the water heater pretending to pick up trash while the "security guard" kept watch with the gun and Evan got to run amok in the basement where he found the dryer sheets. The police officer never charged that criminal for glittering.
Eventually, I was allowed back upstairs while I overheard the police officer mumbling about something and scribbling away on his recycled ticket pad. Soon, I was shown this:
What the crap?! Does he really think I look like that?! The crooked nose is about right, but really, it looks as though evil forces are at work on my hair! Pretty good mug shot though, I'd hand this over to be used if I were ever kidnapped and my picture needed to be splashed over the news.
"I've never seen that person ever!"
"Mommy, this is pretend".
"Is this a wanted ad? Have I been promoted to fugitive status?"

And ... that is how you play police with a 7 year old. Hopefully you took notes.