No Officer! Really! I didn't...

Officer Dawson G. Wilkins

Code Name: Venus Flytrap

I'm not sure why I just assigned a code name to a police officer.

Last week while Jason was in Nicaragua, Dawson was home playing police. I nominated myself to be criminal because it's been a lifelong dream to be one. Some people can manage to pull that off as a career! Not me, I had my other sights set on Broadway. How did I fail so miserably twice? I guess I'm not too old to follow my dreams. Does anyone have a valuable item worth stealing? Message me.

As you can see, Dawson fully prepares for his roles. The first night he hadn't thought everything through, and Iron Man pajama's were sufficient as his uniform. But the next night he got serious. He donned a cap (that he unsuccessfully tried to tape a piece of paper with the words "police" written on it) and created a police badge that he safety pinned to his shirt. His one GOOD church shirt I might add. We didn't fight over that because one time when I was his age, I took a t-shirt and covered it with colored safety pins. I'm not sure why I did that. Probably for safety.

I was first informed that it would be a good idea to speed. So, I ran in rather small circles and figure 8's in the living room for about 2 minutes. I was then handed my first "ticit".

I was handed the pencil (which he did a great job of keeping tucked behind his ear, as you can see in the picture) and given a few minutes to fill it out and hand it back.

"Are you committed for this crime?"

I wasn't given many options about this. I couldn't even select the word no. So apparently I was committed in every way. I would stick by this crime like glue. No one could tear me apart from this crime.

Now, if he would have asked if I committed this crime. Well.. I would have thought about it and then finally admitted my wrong doing. But not before threatening to take it to court.

"Do you want to go to jail?"

Now. Our jail is conveniently located in our basement. I was informed that "my baby" could come along, if I was sent to jail so I thought "what the heck?, why not?" This was the best idea anyone's had since trying to keep Evan contained in a pack-n-play which hasn't worked. Check!

"Are you happy now?"

Well officer. ... If I don't check the box, will I have to pay a fine? Because if I have to pay a fine, I'll need to steal some diamonds or rob a bank (which I learned to do from the movie Oceans 11).

I went to jail and the officer fell asleep at the desk down there while filing paperwork so I was able to escape. I hid in the shower. Evan stood at the door to the bathroom knocking and gave away my location. He's so stinking bad at this game!

Time for my next series of misdemeanors:

*Editor's Note: Let it be on record that our police staff use only recycled paper for tickets. We are able to use the money we save to purchase toilet paper.

Dawson picked up a piece of paper from the living room floor. I'm going to guess it was a blank "ticit" that was dropped by someone code named "Venus Von Flytrap" but he was in charge, and I didn't even see him pick anything up from the floor.

"Excuse me m'am, did you GLITTER?!".

Confused, I looked at Dawson with a blank stare before admitting any wrongdoing. Where the heck is the glitter?! How is glittering a crime? I know of scrapbookers the world over who would be fuming about now.

"Dawson. What?"

"Mommy! I found this trash! You glittered!" Here's your ticket!"

I carefully read said ticket.

Ohhhhhh. Litter.

I gathered quickly that he was wimping out on the time it takes to assign guilt on the writing part of ticket giving. I was assigned glitter clean up in the basement. Basically I walked in circles around the water heater pretending to pick up trash while the "security guard" kept watch with the gun and Evan got to run amok in the basement where he found the dryer sheets. The police officer never charged that criminal for glittering.

Eventually, I was allowed back upstairs while I overheard the police officer mumbling about something and scribbling away on his recycled ticket pad. Soon, I was shown this:

"HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON?!"

What the crap?! Does he really think I look like that?! The crooked nose is about right, but really, it looks as though evil forces are at work on my hair! Pretty good mug shot though, I'd hand this over to be used if I were ever kidnapped and my picture needed to be splashed over the news.

"I've never seen that person ever!"

"Mommy, this is pretend".

"Is this a wanted ad? Have I been promoted to fugitive status?"

"Nevermind"

And ... that is how you play police with a 7 year old. Hopefully you took notes.



Bad Parenting (And Other Misdemeanors)

Yesterday was a rough day.

Before I spew forth the contents of yesterday's debacles, let me defend myself early on by saying I work from home. This means, among other things- I work, take care of 2 boys, and because I'm OCD, I cannot/will not allow my house to be messy longer than 20 minutes. Imagine the stress this puts me under on a daily basis. This also means that unfortunately, in terms of quality mommy time, there are many times my boys get the short end of the stick. Some of you mom's that are amazing and cook and do crafts with your children and your house looks like crap .. well, good for you.

Evan can tend to be a bit high maintenance. Recently I had to move the toy box.

As you can see from the picture above, we have his toy box downstairs in the living room to encourage Evan to play with his toys where I can see him while I get work done. One day he decided to just climb on in. Then he got stuck and cried because he couldn't get out. Until... he learned that he could step onto his toys piled high, get one foot on the ledge of the toy box, grab the side of the couch and pull himself up. Once on the couch, he decides it's a great idea to terrorize the metal blinds. So, to show him that I can one-up, I moved the toy box. Then he was able to get to the Kleenex box and pull them all out. I thought it was funny. Until I had to clean them all up.

He has also recently learned and fancied the art of picking his nose. In addition, 2 nights ago, he thought it would be fun to stick peas up there. Jason had just put them on his tray and then came back to see him shoving them in one by one. Jason knows he saw him shove 3 up there in rapid succession. Jason was able to get 2 of them out.

Much to my great delight... Evan sneezed the third one out about an hour later.

Yesterday noon, Evan was eating lunch. I did not give him peas. I thought I saw a green thing protruding from his nose so I scampered over to investigate. I was certain it was a pea. I grabbed him out of his high chair and had the brilliant idea to take him up to his changing table and use his infant nose sucker to suck that puppy right out. I'm a genius I tell you! I got him up there and although I couldn't see the pea anymore, I sucked anyway. Nothing came out and Evan didn't like me so I quit. I took the boys to the park and when we got there, Dawson said "Mommy, I think I see a pea in Evan's nose". Wha? I just tried sucking one out and there was nothing. I got back to unstrap Evan from his car seat and I could see green barely protruding from his nose. Apparently he had sucked it back up because I looked again and the green was gone. Do you know what I did? No you don't. I took my mouth and started sucking on Evan's nose. Within 30 seconds the pea made it's long trek down from Evan's brain to the base of his nose. Unfortunately, the pea was too big for me to dig out with my finger. So I found one of Dawson's GI Joe army men laying on the floor of the car. It was holding a very pointy gun. I used the point to insert it's way beside the pea and wouldn't'you know, the pea popped right out. Guess Evan managed to shove 4 peas up his right nostril. 3 just wasn't enough. I asked Dawson if I should save the pea for a memory and he said no. The boys played at the park and then we went home.

I had several work emergencies come up during this time so I was glued to my computer while Dawson watched SpongeBob and Evan was upstairs playing in his bedroom. (His bedroom is baby proof and I can hear his actions in the monitor downstairs).

While I'm frantically working I'm quite certain I can smell something familiar. I ignored it because I didn't have the time to stop what I was doing, I had a deadline. About 10 minutes later, I continued to smell the familiar smell AND I noticed an eerie sound. Evan had been quiet. We all know the repercussions of silence when there is an 18 month old in the house and he's not napping. Now, don't we?

I stopped what I was doing and flew upstairs.

I found this:

I laughed out loud, and grabbed the camera. I realized Evan had been shaking the baby powder over the side of the banister, which is why I could smell it so strongly down below.

I grabbed the baby powder and went into his room where I found this:

If only it was cement. I could have his tiny little footprints engraved in my carpet for life.

I had to run back downstairs to grab a washrag and get him cleaned up. I could hear him jabbering and looked up to find him looking so cute:

I got him all cleaned up and then an overwhelming sense of guilt flooded over me. I'm not intentionally a bad parent. This stuck with me throughout the day and eventually later that night I was cleaning Dawson's room and I sat on the floor and sobbed. I guess the peas and baby powder and work and messy house were a bit too much for me yesterday.

So far today, the house is a wreck, but ...I got to take a shower.

Family Pictures: The Sequel

Who knew it could be so addicting to have your family pictures taken? I mean, at this point I would have them done at least once a week.

 We are ALL smiling!

Fast fact for the day: I went and bought the outfit that Evan has on about an hour before we went to have the pictures taken. I'm spontaneous that way.

 Evan appears to be focused. As though in one minute, he's going to let go of my hand and leave me in the dust. I don't think he knows just how fast I can run.

 Evan loves being outside.

 Dawson and I were skipping. I don't have anything else to say about skipping. But my hair is really into it.

 "This is crisis control, now calm down. If you turn around, you can crawl down from the couch. Everything will be okay.

    Dawson was not thrown into the pond. Just fyi.

 I flip Evan and he likes it. Just the way my sister did to me when I was little. Only I don't drop Evan.

 Yeah. I can't flip Dawson.

 But I can make him fly.

Staycation

Before our trip home to Indiana took precedence, we had thought about going to Crested Butte, CO for a vacation this year. It's a place we've never been and is close enough to drive. However, since our plans were ... shall we say "redirected", Jason was still able to get time off for vacation but we used local opportunities to support our vacationing needs. Yes. You may use that sentence in your vacation magazine.

We went on a 4 mile hike in Calhan, CO called "Painted Mines".

This rock formation that Dawson is standing in is actually called "The Dawson Arkose Formation".  

I spy with my little eye, a smiling Evan peeking at me. Well you. I guess he's behind me.

This formation is called "The Butt Crack". Per Jason Wilkins.

It wasn't until we got here that we realized why this is called the painted mines. More like "finger painted" to me.

A few days later we did the drive up to Pike's Peak.

The drive up is scary in the spots where there are no guard rails. And when I got home from this trip I wanted to google and see how many people died from driving over the side in their cars. But I forgot until just now, so if someone wants to google it and let me know that's fine.

Here are the mountain goats we saw on the way up.

What a pretty view!

Dawson claimed to see the Vatican from here. Not really.

While Dawson was getting a view of the valley, Evan was getting a view of a wall.

This is the Cog Rail that will take you to the top for a fee that I don't remember. I actually rode up on this once when I was on my senior choir trip in college.

Proof that we were at the top. Because of the word "Summit".

A few views.

There's a building at the top that sells "World Famous Doughnuts". Maybe more world famous for being pretty okay. I guess Evan liked them and he's famous.

A few more views:

And everyone knows my love for marmot's right?

I would have put a leash on this guy and walked him home with me if I were in better shape.

 We wrapped up our mountaintop experience:

On the way down, we stopped and had a picnic lunch. It's much hotter when you're in the valley. That should be a bible verse. I stripped Evan's pants off so that he would be cooler on the drive home.

Speaking of home.. When we got home, apparently Evan was thirsty.

Our neighbor gave us some bubble wrap for Evan to pop and after that little adventure, Dawson realized he was Superman.

Next we took a little trip to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. I love this zoo because you can feed the giraffe's.

 No worries. The giraffe did not eat Evan's head.

The giraffe food was $2. We didn't bring cash, and the only ATM machine they had on site was out of order. While Dawson was complaining about this, this wonderful couple overheard the conversation and gave us $2 to get giraffe food. Isn't that sweet?

He was looking for me.

The boys were watching a lion playing with a tire.

See. Why would I make that up?

We went to visit the Budgie Buddies and I like that name for a bird sanctuary. Dawson thought that if he held his finger up real high, a bird would instantly take notice and just come and land. I might have made him think that.

Would you believe I have a similar picture of me with Dawson when he was the same age? This is me with Evan of course.

Me with Dawson AND he's wearing the same exact outfit!

The boys got to ride the little train. Neither were that impressed.

I had never seen a porcupine in a tree. Now I had.

This little monkey grabbed my attention. I mean, he's sitting up and holding onto the gate wires and looking at me. Like I was about to bust him out. 

I guess being carted around at the zoo in a stroller really takes its toll.

Last event of the staycation week:

Our 10 year anniversary.

I thought perhaps my hair my look better if I changed sides with Jason.

We left the boys with Grammy & Grandpa.

I'm not sure how long Grammy & Grandpa let them keep up with the noise at the piano though. No matter how professional the boys might appear.

Our date night included a tour of the Molly Brown House Museum.

I know what my big sister Bobbie is going to be when she grows up. She's going to be a tour guide at the Molly Brown House. The tour guide we had reminded me of her and she answered all of my questions about the house and what happened to JJ Brown's will, and how did they obtain most of Molly's (Margaret's) items for the house if it was turned into apartments before it was saved from being torn down?!

I watched "The Unsinkable Molly Brown" musical that has Debbie Reynolds in it, and just so you know, that musical depicting Molly Brown's life is a myth. However, LOOK what they had on display at the museum! The dress and boots that Debbie wore in the movie! And on the left is a picture of a dress that belonged to Molly Brown. Now, I would just like to say that in the pictures I have seen of Margaret Tobin Brown... she looks like she is a "well rounded" woman. But all the clothes they had of hers on display were the size of anorexic toothpicks.

This is a letter from the master mind behind the musical, in which he says, "I made the whole thing up". Because he didn't have enough information about her to come up with a good story line for the movie. And the person that wrote the music changed her name from Margaret to Molly because the name Molly fit better in the songs. Go figure. I'm pretty sure my name will fit rather well in the musicals that are made about me.

We ended the night with dinner at "Fogo de Chao". A Brazilian Steakhouse that keeps bringing you food as long as you have the coaster set to the green side. As you can see, I had my coaster on the red side for "stop" because I just ate a piece of lamb that that did  NOT taste like a gyro.

We had to run like mad back to the car when we headed out because it was pouring down rain.

Because I was running, I broke one of my favorite sandals. But I fixed it when we got home with the good use of some superglue. Because I'm a ninja. Or maybe McGyver.

Proof that I'm not making up the story about the rain:

 And there you have our staycation in a nutshell. Why do they say "in a nutshell"?